true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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