after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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