Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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