it's like iHOP with fire
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
