i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
