I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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