Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
