Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
