if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
sex in a hospital.. check
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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