This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
