i used baking grease as lip gloss
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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