She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
