my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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