Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
