2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
barbara walters just said penis...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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