Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
