If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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