Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
