You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
