Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
