I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
