mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
