I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
