Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize