woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize