You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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