Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Actions speak louder than pants.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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