someone threw a dead crab at me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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