So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
