3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Terrible idea I love it
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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