Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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