if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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