I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
