my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
