I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
