I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
