Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
