Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
