My sheets look like a crime scene.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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