I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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