I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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