I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
