So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
