how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize