I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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