At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
