I got chris browned last night
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
