He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
