My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
