I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize