Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
