then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
