Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
