Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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