Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
