When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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