fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
