I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
