Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
