I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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