He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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