i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
should my penis look like a turkey
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
