nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
