life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
