her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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