remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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