i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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